Today was…..

the celebration of life for my Grand Uncle Harley Black.  We went out to a park in the city near here and had a gathering with his family and friends.  It was a little awkward at first.  My Mlu was the first of the Blacks to arrive, then my Grand Uncle Hershel Black.   Those were the only two of his(Harley’s) 9 siblings that are still alive that could attend. (I think 4 of them are left.)  It was nice to be there for Mlu.  They seemed to really love Harley. (Well duh! Sarah they are his family!)  He had requested no Funeral.  He even donated his body to Texas Tech.  He fought in a War, the Second one I think.  I have met the man twice I think.  He seemed really happy and to love life.  They released balloons, and while it was a great gesture for the family, sadly all I could think was, “the poor ducks” and an image of a duck trying to swallow one of those balloons entered my head.  I got to talk to Hershel for a few seconds before I ran aff with the kids.  And for the short time I talked to him we talked about a lot.  I even told him I was thinking about joining the Texas National Guard, which was odd.   He prophesied  to me as well. (I call it that because that is what he called it)  He said “Don’t worry about finding a man.  When you see him you will know immediately, and he will too.”  So it was a good time.  Mlu was glad we could go, and so was Harley’s wife.  She thanked us.  It is good to know that she still cares about Mlu.

   Mlu told me about him after B(Harley’s wife) called to let her know about the “party.”  She told me stories about when they were younger.  I realized while listening to her, just how much different a world we live in.  It saddens me to a great degree to know that no one in my generation will know the happiness and the feeling of safety that her generation knew.  I hope one day we will all screw our heads back on right.

Here is my…..

dream.

I was in a house trying to sleep.  My nieces and son where running around playing.  I suddenly heard people speaking outside of the closest window.I got up groggy in the dream and peeked through the blinds.  There were three of them. The speech was too muffled to hear. I looked and the grass outside had grown wild and a body lay in the grass just outside the window.  It looked like my cat but in the dream I couldn’t tell.  I am too tired to continue and I go back and lay down I go to sleep and am woken by my sister.  I ask her if the body outside is my cat and she evades the question. Her speech is too muffled to remember.I get up and go into the living/kitchen room.  my nieces and son are playing in the room I am keeping the cat and she is out running around.   I chase her down but when I pick her up. It is at an odd angle and I almost drop her but I get her back in the room. Someone calls.  It is RH he is talking to me about his home and then I look up out the back window. The over grown grass is gone and I see a farm-house in the middle of the field.  My surroundings change or shift. I am still in the house it is a fish bowl.  There are odd little red fish/luffa things swimming around.  I walk through the wall.  The farm-house is still in the distance I turn and the fish/luffa things are swimming in the bowl. There are 10 of the (about)  And I remember thinking to myself, “We only sleep in that house.”  the whole time I am waiting on RH.  The surroundings shift again and I am driving a car. There is something in my lap I am reaching around to drive.  Part of the time it is invisible.  It is soft like a pillow but is hard on top.  We are laughing and talking about where we are going, as we laugh we both try to lay down in the car.  We look at each other we are both smiling.  He reaches over and pulls the obstacle from my lap.  I thank him and get caught up looking at his smiling face.  He reaches over and takes the center of the wheel.  “We are almost there.” I turn and take the wheel.  The scene changes and we are standing in front of the gap between his house and the house on the left.  He is talking about how bad of shape his home is in and I listen to him as we walk toward the gap.  There is a garage in the back yard.  He tells me it is his neighbors. We keep walking toward it.  I get the feeling he is does not want me to go inside.  as we continue to walk I notice there is a garage on the side of his  neighbor’s house.  I ask why they have two garages and turn to look at him.

His face and what is said is lost because my mother woke me up.  It is weird because I had a dream this morning about RH. The details a fuzzy about that one.  I don’t dream often.  I dream when big changes occur in my life.   But I should not be dreaming right now I am settled almost (at least I think I am.)  I don’t normally dream about my friends.  I used to be able to interpret dreams.  But I lost that through drug use and losing myself in other people.  What do you think?

Across….

the world  you find stories of love.  Love is such a fickle creature.   Here today gone tomorrow.  God’s love is all-encompassing.  We  can’t fathom that as people.  What is love really?  Attachment, obsession, a passion for a certain person?  There are many analogies for it.  Water, animals and fire to name the most prolific.  

When one person feels it and the other does not is it love?  What is the dividing line, what is it about love that intrenches us all?  Why do we strive for it?  Why can’t it just let us be?  It cause pain more often than not.   Unrequited love is the most prolific of the romantic love we seek.  What causes this feeling, and why the hell do we let it run off with our senses?

You can’t change…..

who you are.  So everyone goes on a quest to find themselves.  Where does this quest start?  How does it end? How many people give up in the middle of it?

My quest started, I am in the middle of it.   I have thought myself sick sometimes about what is going to happen in the future. Most of it involves finding a significant other.  What gets me is anytime the opportunity has come up specifically in the last few months I have said no.   But why, I ask, why do I deny myself something I have been wanting all my life?  Well the answer is. as much as I want it, I am not ready for it to last. 

What is going to happen to me over the next couple of years?  Will I lose someone dear to me?  Will the world come to a halt and a ridiculously rapid change in social basis occur?   Will I ever find the love I am looking for?

A big answer for most people is religion.  I am a pretty spiritual person.  I have been searching for God for a long time now and think I am finally on the right track.   I just have to get my lazy, fraidy-cat butt in gear.   So I am gonna end here, because I don’t know what else to say.