Latest Entries »

My dream

I had a dream last night I don’t remember all of it, but here is the gist of it.

I find my self in a chapel in the royal palace.  I am wearing a whit chiffon baby doll spaghetti strap dress.  There are people around talking. They are of mixed race.  They are standing around introducing each other as long lost family members one of the elder ladies is called mamalu.  Sue interrupts me wearing a deep blue dress a little like mine but with more ruffles. She tells me they are going to go throw fruit with the princess. I join her we walk to the stairs and the queen is introducing people to one another we walk through that area and my family is sitting around the palace kitchens. Twisted’s youngest is the princess and she is going to the bathroom with the door open.  The only ones not the of the grand kids are Fav’s and Twisted’s eldest. Shannontells me we are going to go throw fruit at large stacks of old crucifixes.  I wake up from the dream as I am following her unrecognizable sister (not Kristy) down a set of stairs that reach to my under are.


Today was…..

the celebration of life for my Grand Uncle Harley Black.  We went out to a park in the city near here and had a gathering with his family and friends.  It was a little awkward at first.  My Mlu was the first of the Blacks to arrive, then my Grand Uncle Hershel Black.   Those were the only two of his(Harley’s) 9 siblings that are still alive that could attend. (I think 4 of them are left.)  It was nice to be there for Mlu.  They seemed to really love Harley. (Well duh! Sarah they are his family!)  He had requested no Funeral.  He even donated his body to Texas Tech.  He fought in a War, the Second one I think.  I have met the man twice I think.  He seemed really happy and to love life.  They released balloons, and while it was a great gesture for the family, sadly all I could think was, “the poor ducks” and an image of a duck trying to swallow one of those balloons entered my head.  I got to talk to Hershel for a few seconds before I ran aff with the kids.  And for the short time I talked to him we talked about a lot.  I even told him I was thinking about joining the Texas National Guard, which was odd.   He prophesied  to me as well. (I call it that because that is what he called it)  He said “Don’t worry about finding a man.  When you see him you will know immediately, and he will too.”  So it was a good time.  Mlu was glad we could go, and so was Harley’s wife.  She thanked us.  It is good to know that she still cares about Mlu.

   Mlu told me about him after B(Harley’s wife) called to let her know about the “party.”  She told me stories about when they were younger.  I realized while listening to her, just how much different a world we live in.  It saddens me to a great degree to know that no one in my generation will know the happiness and the feeling of safety that her generation knew.  I hope one day we will all screw our heads back on right.

Here is my…..


I was in a house trying to sleep.  My nieces and son where running around playing.  I suddenly heard people speaking outside of the closest window.I got up groggy in the dream and peeked through the blinds.  There were three of them. The speech was too muffled to hear. I looked and the grass outside had grown wild and a body lay in the grass just outside the window.  It looked like my cat but in the dream I couldn’t tell.  I am too tired to continue and I go back and lay down I go to sleep and am woken by my sister.  I ask her if the body outside is my cat and she evades the question. Her speech is too muffled to remember.I get up and go into the living/kitchen room.  my nieces and son are playing in the room I am keeping the cat and she is out running around.   I chase her down but when I pick her up. It is at an odd angle and I almost drop her but I get her back in the room. Someone calls.  It is RH he is talking to me about his home and then I look up out the back window. The over grown grass is gone and I see a farm-house in the middle of the field.  My surroundings change or shift. I am still in the house it is a fish bowl.  There are odd little red fish/luffa things swimming around.  I walk through the wall.  The farm-house is still in the distance I turn and the fish/luffa things are swimming in the bowl. There are 10 of the (about)  And I remember thinking to myself, “We only sleep in that house.”  the whole time I am waiting on RH.  The surroundings shift again and I am driving a car. There is something in my lap I am reaching around to drive.  Part of the time it is invisible.  It is soft like a pillow but is hard on top.  We are laughing and talking about where we are going, as we laugh we both try to lay down in the car.  We look at each other we are both smiling.  He reaches over and pulls the obstacle from my lap.  I thank him and get caught up looking at his smiling face.  He reaches over and takes the center of the wheel.  “We are almost there.” I turn and take the wheel.  The scene changes and we are standing in front of the gap between his house and the house on the left.  He is talking about how bad of shape his home is in and I listen to him as we walk toward the gap.  There is a garage in the back yard.  He tells me it is his neighbors. We keep walking toward it.  I get the feeling he is does not want me to go inside.  as we continue to walk I notice there is a garage on the side of his  neighbor’s house.  I ask why they have two garages and turn to look at him.

His face and what is said is lost because my mother woke me up.  It is weird because I had a dream this morning about RH. The details a fuzzy about that one.  I don’t dream often.  I dream when big changes occur in my life.   But I should not be dreaming right now I am settled almost (at least I think I am.)  I don’t normally dream about my friends.  I used to be able to interpret dreams.  But I lost that through drug use and losing myself in other people.  What do you think?


the world  you find stories of love.  Love is such a fickle creature.   Here today gone tomorrow.  God’s love is all-encompassing.  We  can’t fathom that as people.  What is love really?  Attachment, obsession, a passion for a certain person?  There are many analogies for it.  Water, animals and fire to name the most prolific.  

When one person feels it and the other does not is it love?  What is the dividing line, what is it about love that intrenches us all?  Why do we strive for it?  Why can’t it just let us be?  It cause pain more often than not.   Unrequited love is the most prolific of the romantic love we seek.  What causes this feeling, and why the hell do we let it run off with our senses?

You can’t change…..

who you are.  So everyone goes on a quest to find themselves.  Where does this quest start?  How does it end? How many people give up in the middle of it?

My quest started, I am in the middle of it.   I have thought myself sick sometimes about what is going to happen in the future. Most of it involves finding a significant other.  What gets me is anytime the opportunity has come up specifically in the last few months I have said no.   But why, I ask, why do I deny myself something I have been wanting all my life?  Well the answer is. as much as I want it, I am not ready for it to last. 

What is going to happen to me over the next couple of years?  Will I lose someone dear to me?  Will the world come to a halt and a ridiculously rapid change in social basis occur?   Will I ever find the love I am looking for?

A big answer for most people is religion.  I am a pretty spiritual person.  I have been searching for God for a long time now and think I am finally on the right track.   I just have to get my lazy, fraidy-cat butt in gear.   So I am gonna end here, because I don’t know what else to say.

and start being the person I really want to be. 

      What brought this on? The fact that I am a freak about the men I like.  I can’t stand not knowing what they are doing.  SO I am going to change that about my self.  I am going to be that woman who can handle that kind of stuff.  Especially since it really is none of my buisness. 

      This person I like, likes me back.  He hasn’t talked to me for a few weeks and my mind can’t let that go.  I have been doing everything I can to keep myself from calling or texting him but it has not been working.  So today that will change. I will wait for him to call me, if he still wants to after my behavior.

      One would think this is a no brainer, right?  He doesn’t want to talk , or can’t, no prblem be patient and wait.  but I for some reason go into freak mode. I am tired of this tendency.  I am tired of things like this about myself.  I am done with it.  So I am going to stop.  This person, this freind is too important to me to lose because I have no self control.

An afternoon out.

Amber bounded down the street she had had no incedent in several weeks and was celebrating by doing some old fashioned shopping. She felt light and was excited about the dresses she had picked. 

A lite yellow strappless sun dresshad caught her eye.  The rays of fabric came down to the knees, with just the right amount of flare in the breast. Justin. the new dark haired intern at the office, would love to stare at her in this one.  A shiver went down her spine as she remembered his dark eyes flashing away as hers found them from across the office. 

She also picked a green dress.  It was conservative dress and hid the bust in a racy way.  The sleeves long and pointed in a mideavel fashoin.  The knee length bottom was excellently hand made lace.  The girls at the office would be jealous of that one; it had been a center peice on one of those high fashion New York  runway shows.

And last, but certainly not least , her favorite.  An  evening gown.  The color was an exsquisit dark teal that made her golden amber eyes glow in the dim lights of the places she visited in her mind.  As she twirled the lengthy bottom and gazed at the deep bow in the back.  She wanted to crash a high end social event here in Los Angeles. The red carpet maybe, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been treated like the royalty she practically was and it felt nice to plan the next appearence of……

Her happy thoughts broke off in mid thought.  She had been trying to stay away from that part of her, for a long time now.  She would feel bad when all was said and done, but it was something she felt she needed.  

Such a fantastic dream to so many of those people around her.  But once many, many years ago, she had been one of the people for whom those kinds of events honored.


I am a fan of the series project runway.  I watched my first real fashion show. A Chanel show.  It was entertaining to say the least.  As I watched subsequent shows I noticed a single influence in all of them (certian clothes not all of them.), intended or not,  it was a Victorianesk-type-time-era  theme in some of the clothes, or at least that is what came to mind. 

It was quite intriguing as I watched the models move around the various runways.  The people there to watch them walk in clothes.  I just could not stop thinking how ludicrous it all was.  But fascinating none the less.

He has this weird thing with gloves or stuff on the hands; like finger gloves.  I liked it and may check out other such shows.

1:23 In the morning.

She woke with a start.  The loud bang that had intruded was only in her mind and she new it; but it still scared the crap out of her every time it happened. 

She shoved her heavy comforter off of her legs. The cold air was a relieving shock to her nervous mind.  The sense of reality it brought to her gave her something to cover those things that had awakened her.  She concentrated on the cold wood floor beneath her bare feet as she shuffled her way to the bathroom.

She sat on her porclen in the small 7 by 7  room decorated with small yellow and orange ducks.  They stared at her and mocked her from their fixed position on the over used show curtain. Their silly sneers with knowledge of her failed attempts to be normal.

            “Damn ducks!” she cursed under her breath. A flash of guilt for the small infringement on her promise to herself.  She bowed her head and sent a short prayer to that being she longed to be with but would never reach again.  Finished with her business, in that depressingly cheerful sham of a room, she shut off the light and shuffled back to the bed.

Amber climed into bed and heaved the comforter back to her shoulders.  She would continue looking for a job in this new town tomorrow.

Another day at McBurger….

            Amber wiped down the table for the fifth time that day.  Why she thought do they always pick the same table. Out loud the only thing the surrounding people heard was a slight mumble.   She never hastened when she did this ttedious monotonous work not matter how many times she wiped it down; or how long it took to do so. 

                A heavy sigh left her as she stood up straight and moved to the next dirty table.  She took a  quick  look around, but no matter how many times she would look, the flow of customers during the lunch rush would not relent. 

               “Amber!” She heard the rough voice call to her and looked up.  Her manager was motioning for her to come to the front where a long line of customers  was waiting to have their orders taken.  Another sigh left her as she remembered they were short one today because the rich brat called in.

               SHE resigned and started toward the front and was moving around the front most table when two large men entered the restaurant.  They were not subtle and no amount of distraction would allow you to miss their entrance. 

                 The first thing that everyone in the  place noticed was the long red hair that both men  shared, the second was the viking-esk hats they wore.  One held an ax that those closest to them would not take their  eyes off of.  The other a large jewel encrusted hammer.

               “Anak  par ney ba!”  The hammer man shouted and pointed toward Amber.  And before anyone else could react they had cleared the 20 feet between them.  The speaker  had Amber in the air by her head.  Her feet were kicking while her hands febly tried to free her head.  Muffled screams were heard coming from her. 

               The crowd was  silent and captivated by  the enormity of the situation. Horror spread like a wave through the faces of the men and women present as the man raised her as high as he could an brought her head first into the floor.   The tile beneath her was shattered and displaced as if it had been hit by a  meteorite. 

                 Dust clouds filled the air as the crowd  began to move in a slow rush toward the doors.  Screams and sobbng filled the air.   Amber’s name was screamed and shouted as her co-workers were brought back to life by the action.   Rasious laughter  filled the air and as the dust cleared those still present were met with the site of the men holding their weapons high over their heads about to swing.

             Not one of the still horrified crowd noticed the movement below the men; so the voice that followed the movements left them with soiled shorts.

“You win this time but  I will not stop unt-” The downward motion of the weapons cut off the sweet voice of Amber. The men kept laughing after their work was done, and as they walked through the door they had come through their hard laughter cut off and they were gone.